Penarth's criminals' favourite makeshift burials 19/04/26

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We've all had an altercation at the train station. What do you do when the fight is done? Repeat offender Frank Doldrum has written us something or other about it.

Hi everybody, it's guest crime consultant Frank Doldrum! These makeshift burials will be ranked in terms of respect, corpse retention, and of course how FUN it is do to each one!

The classic

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Cons:

• Time consuming
• Need to buy a shovel, expensive!

Pros:

• Effective, difficult to trace
• Extremely respectful to the departed

While most folks opt for a "Six feet under", we urge you to also consider the unconventional "twenty million feet under", at which point this burial can equally be considered a cremation due to the heat of the earth's core. A cremation leaves no earthly form at all, such that it may ascend with Ra in heaven - There are few more respectful burials!

A hasty "classic" burial might also forgoe a coffin. That's ok! Without a coffin, the Earth becomes a grandiose mausoleum. Who could ask for a better sendoff?

The "working man's" (A.K.A "Loud and Proud")

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Cons:

• Leaves little to the imagination

Pros:

• Fast, cheap, easy
• Were the departed to come back to life, this burial allows them to just get up and walk away

The "working man's" consists of two handfuls of dirt poured out over someone you attacked on the pavement - Particularly handy for if you aren't sure if your rival will live or die.

Fun fact! Bodyguards in Penarth, for the likes of Buddy Chuck or Herbert Hooberstank, will carry pocketfuls of dirt to signal their preparedness to violence - and to this sassy, disrespectful burial. You go, girl!

Russian Kebab

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Cons:

• Kind of gross
• Poor taste

Pros:

• A fun, approachable workout if completed solo!

Named after prolific 1970s Penarth Gangster Llywellyn Russia, the russian kebab is a standing burial, with the very top of the head just peaking into view.

This means the headstone is an actual head!

Russian kebabs will usually have their heads completely shaved before their burials - This allows the sunlight to reflect off of them in their graveyards ("Kebabiers"), a particularly romantic and iconic piece of imagery.

The "RIP - rest in palace!"

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Cons:

• Expensive (but still cheaper than a year of weekly starbucks!)
• Time consuming
• Exhausting legal rigamarole

Pros:

• Read on and see...

A burial often tinged with sadness is that of someone who you actually got on with! If you ever feel this kind of regret over a killing, why not build them a tomb?

Penarth is a viciously nasty place. It recently tussled with Kremplantz, Surrey, for the title of most dangerous town in the United Kingdom^Grinky. As such, this burial isn't normally seen after our famous gang scuffles - but if you fell in love in penarth, on our shores or our shops, we welcome you to build the ultimate monument to the relationship.

The "extensive legal rigamarole" requires you to possess a tomb license. If you're in a gang, ask around - A senior member might have one already!

And of course, the most special burial of all... Is just not killing anybody in the first place. What the hell were you thinking!


Grinky: We won!

Written by Frank Doldrum.

Send us your best burials to the Penarth Hooter's bluesky account! (Or, for that matter, your worst!)

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