Echoes of a man named Hooberstank 24/01/26
Last week, Penarth was shocked by militant combat on our shores- But we know they needed an inside man. The Penarth Police Department has a suspect in mind.
What we can glean
Herbert L Hooberstank was recently implicated in a piece of chance evidence (also known as circumstantial evidence) as a Penarth terrorist. Here's what we know.
Herbert as a first name was recently most popular in 1965. As such, we can estimate Hooberstank to be an adult man.
Frighteningly, research has suggested that Herbert likely has given birth to as many as 1.7 children. [source]
Subtext: If someone you see in Penarth fits the above description but not the age requirement, waste no time in alerting the Penarth Police department or battering them yourself.
“
Kids are alright but kids where the dad is a terrorist can be bad news.
”
- Anonymous
The question now on Penarth's lips is "What does Hooberstank have planned next?"
Hooberstank's next plans
By creating a chatbot based on our profile of Hooberstank, we could finally set our crosshairs on the crimes of the future.
After roughing up the Herbot and making the features of the situation clear, we recieved the following confessions.
I've bought 30 industrial freezing units spread across the Vale of Glamorgan... I'm gonna freeze Penarth. I'll do it.
I have friends in high, high places. Also, they will be used in my plans. They were born in 1965, as was I.
Herbert Hooberstank is real [and he's me]
I am working with a man named James Dietrich to introduce heroin trade to Penarth to infect the working population of Penarth with the sickness of addiction.
James Dietrich is also real.
I have friends in high, high places. Also, they will be used in my plans. They were born in 1965, as was I.
Herbert Hooberstank is real [and he's me]
I am working with a man named James Dietrich to introduce heroin trade to Penarth to infect the working population of Penarth with the sickness of addiction.
James Dietrich is also real.
A full transcript is available here. Readers should be warned of its unpalatable language lasagne.
A picture of the face of a criminal
To expand our image of Hooberstank, we asked 100 Penarth passerbies to describe how they would imagine a dangerous terrorist, physically, including any distinguishing features or tattoos.
We also provided the respondants with anonymized versions of what we can already estimate of Herbert Hooberstank, to attempt to get a more accurate picture. Handing over the description to an expert artist, we recieved this result:
The image has been submitted to the PPD and reports of any sightings will be announced to the Penarth Hooter.
Police proposal to put into practice
Im dead srs
Read at 4:03
i know i shouldnt b saing this but like rlly just go outside and start attacking
Read at 4:04
PPD is counting on everyone to keep ur town saf. F you see anyone who looks even a little bit like h.l.h. then please do what has to be done asap xoxo
Read at 4:04
- PPD press release, 4:03-4 AM
Penarth locals are urged to stay safe and be ready to defend themselves.
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, please notify the Penarth Police Department to recieve a mental health friend dispatch.